


Jake's Armor

by Lilabird



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-11-30 23:40:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilabird/pseuds/Lilabird
Summary: Jake Peralta wears his jeans and jackets like armor, protecting himself from the rest of the world. What happens when he has to take it off for a case





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy, please leave a comment! Since school started, it's taking me longer to write the chapters, but I am still working on this

            Everyone knew Jake Peralta wore long sleeves. He’d been doing it for so long no one questioned it anymore, even when he did so in the hottest days of summer. They all assumed it was just a Jake thing, like the way he avoided deep conversations and used sarcasm to mask how he really felt. Jake put up walls to protect himself, and it made sense to everyone that his long sleeves were just another wall.

            Jake came in to work two days after Amy had told him that she wasn’t going to date cops anymore. It was actually four days, since there had been the weekend, but he had also missed Monday. He came into work, late as usual, in his jeans, long sleeved button up, and jacket. He also wore his signature grin, both genuine and guarding. There was nothing unusual about his entrance, except for the fact that he had taken an unplanned vacation day for the first time in years.

            “Where you been?” called Rosa from her desk. Everyone turned to look.

            “Oh, you know, I went on a date with a super hot model, had lots of sex, and got a wicked hangover” Jake replied. Boyle seemed like he was about to say something, but he saw Jake’s smile waver and realized that whatever happened to him was not something to talk about in front of a crowd, which meant it wasn’t something he would bring up. Everyone went back to whatever they’d been doing.

            “Jake, you’ll join the case Santiago and I are working. Meet us in the briefing room in five minutes” said Terry.

            “Okay Sarge” Jake said.

            Five minutes later, Jake was sitting with Amy listening to Terry talking about the case. Apparently their perp worked at a gym, they were going to go stake it out, and see if they could find any evidence. Amy kept sending questioning looks in Jake’s direction, which he pointedly ignored. “It’s unlike him” she thought “I wonder what happened. I hope it’s not about what I said. I hope he’s okay”

            Amy wanted to talk to Jake about what had happened, but he seemed to be avoiding her. When they were at their desks, he was unusually focused on his work. He didn’t even respond when she teased him about how messy his hair was, compared to its usual messiness. When he saw Amy enter the evidence locker, he lowered his head and walked out. She could tell something was wrong but she couldn’t get him to tell her what. Eventually, they needed to leave for their stakeout.

            Terry drove the trio, and parked them across from the gym. “Can any of you guys see anything?” he asked. There was a hot dog cart right in front of their target.

            “No, sorry Sarge” said Amy

            “Santiago, you’re prepared right, we discussed this yesterday” said Terry.

            “Yes Sarge” she said.

            “Peralta, I brought you a t-shirt and some shorts. We’re going to go undercover to the gym, our story being that we’re a group of friends trying to decide on a gym” said Terry, throwing a bundle of clothes a Jake.

            “Alright. Alright, alright, alright, alright. Cool, cool, cool. Noice” said Jake, visibly nervous.

            “Jake, what’s wrong?” said Amy cautiously. He usually loved going undercover. She noticed that he was trembling a little bit. “Jake, you’ve been acting strange all day. I want to help, just tell us what’s wrong.” She paused for a moment. “Does this have anything to do with why you were missing?”

            Jake looked around, and when he realized there was no getting out of it he started to talk. “Okay fine, I’ll tell you guys. Just don’t interrupt me. You can ask questions at the end but if you stop me I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish. Okay?” He was shaking. Amy and Terry nodded their heads. “I don’t know if you know this but I was a little messed up after my father left. I blamed myself for what he did, and I just sort of spiraled to the point where I just thought I was horrible and worthless and didn’t deserve to exist, and I would hurt myself just so that I could feel something other than the endless emotional pain. I did some pretty stupid things, but nothing bad enough to leave a mark, so that my mom wouldn’t find out. Last Friday I had an exchange with Amy that left me a bit disappointed, but then my dad cancelled plans on me that we’d had for a long time, and a bunch of other stuff happened, and eventually I spiraled and did something stupid. It’s not too bad, but you can see it in the outfit Terry brought”.

            Amy and Terry looked at Jake. “I’m so sorry Jake” Amy said after a while.

            “It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known” said Jake.

            “Are you still willing to come with us into the gym” said Terry “I know this must be difficult for you, so you don’t have to if you don’t want to”. He assumed that it wasn’t too bad, if Jake was already back at work.

            “I’ll do it” said Jake, turning around to change.

            A few minutes later, Amy and Terry waited outside for Jake to finish changing. More accurately, for Jake to gather the courage to leave the car. When he finally left the car, the two couldn’t help but stare at the multitude of scars covering Jake’s thighs, or the long vertical scar down each of his forearms. All the scars were obviously pretty new.

            “Jake, I thought you said that it wasn’t that bad. I knew you didn’t want us to worry, but I didn’t expect this” said Terry, still staring.

            “Did you, did you, did, did you try to kill yourself?” asked Amy. She wasn’t even looking at him anymore. She was looking down at a flower growing in a crack in the sidewalk. “If you needed help, if you felt this bad you could have let us know. Does anyone else know?” She was trying to hide her tears, not wanting him to feel worse.

            “Holt, I told the captain when I asked for a vacation. He told me to take the week off but I couldn’t be by myself for that long. I can’t stand myself right now and I’m afraid that I’d-”

            “Get changed Peralta. You are going home to rest after we get back to the precinct. I’ll talk to Holt about having someone with you at all times so you’re not alone” said Terry.

            “Thank you” said Jake, barely audible, still trying to hold back his tears. He knew that his friends in the nine-nine cared about him, but he’d spent so much time taking care of himself, he couldn’t believe that they actually wanted to help him. He turned to Amy. “It’s not your fault. I know you’re going to beat yourself up over this, but it was my decision. It was a stupid impulsive decision, and it was all mine. Please, I, I don’t want to hurt you”. He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder.

            Amy hugged him, her eyes full of tears. “It’ll be okay Jake. You’re not alone. We’ll help you get through this. Everything will be alright” she said, as much to herself as to Jake.


	2. Gina's Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for more story, so here's the first part.

            They took turns watching over him.

            First it was Gina’s turn. She walked into his apartment only to see him sitting at his kitchen table with a can of orange soda. He didn’t notice her until she sat down with him. “So, Holt asked people to spend time with you for a while so you wouldn’t hurt yourself. I figured I better go first since we’ve done this before, and I know you don’t want to talk about it. C’mon, were going to my place” she said.

            “Thanks Gina, I owe you one” he said, throwing some clothes from the floor into an old duffel bag.

            “Don’t worry about it. Besides, now that I have the next few days off, I can finally work on improving my twitter game. Also you left a bunch of orange soda in the fridge when you moved, and I’m going to need you to finish it” she said.

            The next two days were spent comfortably. Jake spent most of his time on Gina’s couch in pajama pants and a t-shirt watching the Die Hard movies on repeat to distract himself. Gina spent her time cooking, checking twitter, and doing odd chores like cleaning her crystal ball collection. Gina knew Jake well enough to know that at this point he needed a little distance from his problems, so that he could see they weren’t as big as he thought they were.

            In the afternoon of the second day, Gina joined Jake on the couch. The night before, she couldn’t stop thinking about the last time they were in this situation. He was 17 years old, and she found him in the bathroom of Nana’s apartment, this apartment. He was in his boxers, with two vertical slashes over the faded horizontal scars. He was shaking and crying about how he messed up everything, even killing himself. She remembered bandaging his arms, and taking him to the hospital where she told the doctor he’d had a kitchen accident, and the doctor gave her a look but didn’t press the issue. She’d taken him home and hung out with him for the next few days, until she could be sure that he wouldn’t hurt himself again. She remembered how on the ride home from the hospital he smiled at her and tried to convince her he was fine.

            “Hey Jake” she said.

            “Yeah?” he paused the movie and turned to face her. “What?” he asked.

            “I know when other people are going to try and talk to you about this, your first response will be to say that it’s no big deal. Don’t do that. They’re your friends, they want to help you. If you don’t want to talk to them, then don’t. Just don’t try to tell them it’s not a big deal when it really is” she said.

            He looked at her for a moment before responding with “Okay”.


	3. Amy's Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like it!

            Amy showed up at Jake’s door about an hour after Gina dropped him off. “Hey Jake! It’s my turn to, you know, make sure you don’t…” she frowned, obviously unsure of what to say.

            “Yeah, thanks for coming” He cut her off. “I’m sorry the place is a mess, I haven’t had time to clean it recently, because I’ve been partying so much” he said. He knew Amy knew better, but he still lied to cover the discomfort he felt. And anyways, the apartment really was a mess, with dishes piled up in the sink, and the floor covered in clothes and old take out containers.

            “I can help you clean up, if you want. You might feel better if the apartment was cleaner” she said. “How about we start with the dirty dishes?” Amy wasn’t really good at dealing with emotions either, but cleaning was something she knew she could handle.

            “Okay, cool” he said. They started working on the dishes, she washing them and he drying them and putting them away. The silence was uncomfortable, with neither one knowing quite what to say. Very little time passed before Jake knew he had to say something. He couldn’t stand the quiet. “I meant what I said last time. It’s really not your fault” he blurted out before he could think.

            Amy turned to look at him “If I hadn’t told you I wasn’t dating cops, this wouldn’t have happened” she said, obviously upset but trying very hard to hide it.

            “Amy…” his first instinct was to minimize how bad things had been, and try to make her feel better by saying it wasn’t a big deal. He thought back to what Gina had said to him, about how he shouldn’t make it seem like less of a big deal, and he knew what he had to tell her. He struggled with it, terrified of being so vulnerable towards someone else. He saw how she was trying to hold back tears so that she could finish washing the plate, and decided that he had to make her understand that it wasn’t her fault, no matter how much it would suck for him. “Amy, it was only a matter of time until something happened. I started feeling shitty the last time my dad came to visit, and how the only reason he came was because he wanted to use my detective skills. That just sort of spiraled into thinking about how the only reason anyone cares about me is because I’m a good detective-”

            “Jake, people care about you because they like who you are, not because of your detective skills” she said. She turned to pass him another plate and he could see just how much it hurt her to listen to this.

            “Noice, I mean, I know. Should I stop talking, is this too much?” he said.

She could see how hard it was for him to talk about this stuff, but she was scared that if they didn’t talk about it now, she’d always have it in the back of her mind. “No, it’s fine” she said.

            He took a deep breath “Okay, so as I was saying, I thought that the only reason people liked me was because of my work. And I was kind of okay with that, because I’m an amazing detective/genius, and I  was really good at my work, and at least people liked me. But then that stuff with Hoytsman happened, and I felt like I was a failure as a detective, which meant that there was no reason for people to like me. And after you and Rosa rescued me all I could think of was how stupid I was for getting kidnapped in the first place. After that I got reckless and stopped caring about myself. And eventually I got hurt, which made me feel bad because I couldn’t do my job”. He’d slowly sped up as he talked, and by the time he finished he was talking so fast Amy could barely understand what he said.

He looked at Amy when he realized he hadn’t been handed any dishes for a while. She was standing by the empty sink just watching him. “Do you want to maybe sit down?” he asked.

“Um, okay” she replied. They sat down on the messy couch. She leaned her head on his shoulder, and he tentatively put his arm around her.

“I was already in a bad place when you told me you didn’t want to date cops. What I did had nothing to do with you and everything to do with my own problems” he said “I’m sorry if I hurt you”.  He felt something wet and looked down to see Amy crying. “Hey, look at me” he said softly. She lifted her head. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I, I know that you don’t like to talk to people about stuff, because of your dad, but I’m, I’m sorry that you didn’t feel comfortable letting people know how bad you were feeling. I’m sorry, I’m, I’m sorry that I didn’t look into it more when you got hit by a car and wanted to come back to work. I thought, I thought you were just being your usual reckless self.” She paused for a moment, pulling herself back together “Jake, please take care of yourself. I don’t think any of us at the nine-nine would be able to deal with something happening to you. At least I wouldn’t” she said.

Jake pulled back from her and held his knees up to his chest. “What’s wrong?” asked Amy.

“Cool, cool, cool everything’s cool” he said, sinking deeper into himself.

“Jake, please don’t push me away” she said.

He looked straight in front of him. “Nothing’s wrong Amy, I’m just trying to deal with the fact that you all actually care about me. I didn’t really think I mattered to people. I mean, I knew people cared, I just didn’t really believe it” he said.

Amy gave him a sad half-smile, and held him. They sat like that for a moment until Amy said “Jake, where’s your bathroom?”

“It’s broken, just go over to the neighbors” he said.

“What’s the problem, I can probably fix it. I took a plumbing seminar over the summer” she said.

“You took a plumbing seminar? I’m somehow not surprised. And actually… it’s not really broken, it’s just that I haven’t had the chance to clean it since… you know” said Jake.

“It can’t be that bad. Plus, I really need to pee”.

“Alright. Alright, alright alright alright. Noice. Noice. It’s that door over there”.

“Thanks” said Amy. She walked over and opened the door. Then she just stood there for a minute. “Hey Jake” she called.

            “Yeah” he said, walking over to where she was standing.

            “That’s a lot of blood” she said.

            “Yeah” he said.

            “I’m going to go over to the neighbors’, and you should clean this up” she said, not really looking at him. She walked out before he could say anything. He sighed, then got out some cleaning supplies and started to work.

            About an hour later Amy came back with some take out. They ate in silence, each one looking at the other when they thought they wouldn’t notice. Once they’d finished, Jake asked Amy “So, do you want to sleep on the bed or the couch?”

            “I think I’ll take the couch. But there’s something I have to do before we can go to sleep” she said.

            “What?” he asked.

            “At this point you’re still considered a risk to yourself, so I have to take away anything you might use to hurt yourself. I’ll leave the knives in the kitchen since I can see you while you’re in there, but I have to collect everything else” she said apologetically.

            He frowned. “Okay, yeah, cool, okay” he said. “Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool” he muttered to himself.

She took a trash bag and headed to the now clean bathroom. “Not bad” she commented, before opening the drawers and taking out all the razors and razor blades. Next she went to his bedroom. “Do you want to give me all the stuff you could use to hurt yourself, or do I have to look through your stuff?” she asked. He walked around, picking up a bunch of razor blades and throwing them in the bag. “Is that everything?” she asked.

            “Yes”. She gave him a look. “Amy, don’t you trust me?”

            “Jake, in light of recent events I think I have enough cause to not trust you to not hurt yourself” she said.

            “Okay. Fine” he pulled two more razor blades out of his bedside table and threw them in the bag. “Good night Amy” he said.

            “Goodnight Jake” she said, closing the door to his bedroom on her way out.

            Amy woke up the next day to the smell of pancakes. She sat up to see Jake in the kitchen, and the table set for the two of them. She went over and sat down at the table. A few minutes later Jake set down a plate of pancakes and joined her at the table. “So things yesterday got a bit deep and emotion-y” said Jake “How about we not do that today. We can do something else”.

            “How about we finish cleaning your apartment. We kind of got distracted yesterday” she said. The mess in Jake’s apartment was starting to drive her a bit crazy.

            “Smort, but first, breakfast” he said. They dug into the pancakes.

            “These are really good, I didn’t know you knew how to cook” said Amy.

            “Well, I need to distract myself from my problems somehow, so I guess cooking is a… pretty good way to do that” he said.

            “Definitely” she replied.

            After they finished eating and cleaned off the table, they started picking up all of Jake’s clothes from the floor and putting them in a hamper. They joked back and forth about all the t-shirts he had. She especially liked one that had a large cat on it. “It’s from Gina” he told her. Then they mopped and vacuumed and wiped until everything was clean and organized. They passed the time with their usual joking banter. By the time they finished working, it was already dark out, so they ordered a pizza. They ate on the couch, watching a movie that just happened to be on. It felt almost normal.

            The next morning Amy got ready to leave. “Thank you for being here” said Jake. “And for, you know, helping me clean my apartment”.

            “No problem. Thanks for opening up. I know that it’s hard for you to talk about yourself, but I’m glad you did” said Amy. “You sure you’ll be okay by yourself?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure” he said. “I’ll see you back at the nine-nine”.

“Bye” she said, hesitating at the door before finally heading out.


	4. Holt's Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this took a while, but I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

              Jake wasn’t surprised to hear a knock at his door. He was surprised to find Captain Holt standing behind the door. “May I come in Peralta?” inquired the captain.

            “Um yeah, sure” said Jake. He waited for the captain to enter, after which he returned to his couch, and the cup of lukewarm coffee he had almost forgotten. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the precinct?” he asked.

            “Yes. Boyle was the one supposed to come, but he has been having a difficult time dealing with the fact that his best friend almost died. I came in his stead” said Holt, his tone even. He set his coat on the kitchen counter, and joined Jake on the couch. “I also wanted to… apologize to you Peralta. I have failed you as a father figure and I- ”

            “The fact that you’re here now means that you haven’t failed. You’ve done more for me than my dad ever has” said Jake.

            Holt frowned subtly. “Peralta, I noticed you acting strangely these past few weeks and I thought nothing of it. I should have discussed it with you”. He turned to look directly at Jake “I’m sorry”.

            “It’s okay. It honestly wasn’t that bad.” He quickly turned his head, cursing himself and thinking about what Gina had said. He shouldn’t have said that, and he knew it.

            “Peralta” Holt said harshly “I have seen the report, so don’t try to lie to me. You and I both know that you were much worse off than you let on. The only reason I let you return so soon is that you had downplayed the seriousness of the situation. We almost lost you Peralta”. Then, so quietly that Jake wasn’t sure if he heard it correctly “I almost lost you Peralta”.

            “I didn’t mean to- I mean I wasn’t trying to- I mean, I’m sorry” Jake’s voice was solid, but his trembling hands betrayed his anxiety. He hated hurting Holt. He hadn’t meant to hurt any of them, he had thought that all his friends would be better off without him. He couldn’t believe that he had almost left all these people that cared for him. His thoughts started spiraling again, about how stupid he was to even try killing himself.

            He felt a hand on his shoulder and realized that he was crying. “It’s all right. Listen to my voice Peralta. Focus on my voice. Everything will be okay. I will be here to make sure everything is okay. I’m not going anywhere…” Holt continued to talk to Jake until he calmed down.

            Jake swiped at his eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t like falling apart in front of people, and I didn’t want to do it in front of you” he said.

            “Stop apologizing Peralta” said Holt “You’re dealing with difficult things. I understood that when I agreed to come be with you. You don’t have to apologize for struggling”. Jake seemed to grapple with this statement before nodding in understanding.

            They sat in semi-comfortable silence for a while, until Jake turned to Holt and asked “How are everyone?”

            Holt thought for a while. “Gina’s as usual. Perhaps even more Gina. Boyle, as I said earlier, is upset, but working through it”. Jake frowned. “Terry is worried about you, and the Twins’ upcoming dance recital. Rosa took a bat to her computer when she heard about you, and has been unusually quiet since. Amy took the news the hardest. She’s been better since she spent time with you, but I still catch her chain-smoking during her breaks. Everyone has been worried about you Peralta”. Holt took one look at Jake’s expression and added “It’s not your fault Peralta”.

            “But it is my fault. I tried to kill myself, and now I have to deal with the consequences”. He looked away from Holt.  

            “It is true that you must deal with the consequences of your actions, but you must forgive yourself for what you did. Your decision wasn’t rational. You had had a couple of bad weeks, and that coupled with your underlying anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness made you do something that you otherwise would not have” said Holt.

            “Well, that totally wasn’t direct” said Jake sarcastically. He wasn’t quite sure how to react to what Holt was saying, but sarcasm was his immediate reaction. “You know what we should watch right now? Die Hard” said Jake, trying to bring the situation around to things he was comfortable with.

            “Well…” said Holt “I guess I should see what your favorite movie is, Peralta”. He did not, in fact, want to see Die Hard, but he knew that it would help Jake and whatever was good for Jake was good for him.    

            Jake put on the DVD, and after it was done they sat and discussed things of little consequence, enjoying each other’s company. When Jake finally went to bed, after Holt had left, Jake thought about what the Captain had told him. He started, slowly, to forgive himself.


End file.
